Person #1: Jared Vallorani, the CEO of Liberty Alliance,which is some bullshit website thing to scam frightened right-wingers out of some hard-earned monies.
Jared Valenti has an idea you guys! He's got a scheme to, I guess scare gay people into, um, not being gay anymore? Or something? I don'r know, here's what he has to say about his brilliant idea:
Dear fellow Christian and Patriot, Our nation is reeling. I turn on the news and see Bruce Jenner being celebrated for wearing a dress.
I'm not sure you know what the word "reeling" means. Our nation was "reeling" in 1861. We were "reeling" on 9/11/01. seeing Caitlyn Jenner on TV is just annoying. Not because she's a trans person, but because she and every other member of that gross awful family are annoying.
Women on Instagram exploiting their bodies for fame.
Well that has certainly never happened before!
Until the advent of social media, no woman had ever capitalized on her sex appeal!
The music industry is selling sex, drug use and explicit language to our children.
Whaaaat?!?!?! Musicians selling sex and drugs?!?!
What is this world coming to?
I see riots in our streets, as men throw rocks at police and vandalize public property. Protesters stomping on and burning Old Glory. I see “race” issues getting worse instead of better.
I was going to laugh about the idea of riots being something new, but why is the word race in quotes? Seriously asking. I can't figure out why the implication that race is something that doesn't really exist or that race-based problems are not really about race, or what is the point he's trying to make?
Anyway, here's his idea. Or the prelude to his idea.
Maybe you feel like it’s hopeless to save our nation. In 70 AD, Rome came and sacked Jerusalem. They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the prophets.
Which is almost as dire a situation as we are facing now, what with Cait Jenner and all.
They burned everything to the ground, just as it was foretold by the prophets. But yet a remnant remained. Today in America, there are still millions and millions of Bible-believing Christians throughout our nation.
Yes, in fact, according to a recent ABC poll, Eighty-Three Percent of Americans identify as Christians. That's quite a remnant. So maybe you could stop acting like a persecuted minority all the time?
The homosexual population? Less than 3%. Transgenders? Less than .3%! Why are we scared?
Exactly! What the fuck are you people worried about? "Straight" Christian people are the majority in this country. Quit being such whiny babies. No one is suppressing you.
We are the MANY, they are the FEW. We need to take back our streets, take back our cities and take back our nation for the Glory of God!
Take back our streets? Other than Castro Street, heteros are pretty much the majority on every street in America. And I've been to the Castro and let me tell you, the gay folks are not hostile to us. They have no problem with breeders walking down their street.
Pictured: What Jared Valenti thinks every street looks like right now.
Also, I'm not really sure that God needs 'Murica in order to feel glory. I mean, he lives in Heaven, right? Isn't that pretty much the best country in the world? (Sorry, Sean Hannity, but it's true. Heaven beats America.)
Okay, let's just skip ahead. past the doom and gloom and self-pity, to this doofus's brilliant idea.
But it’s not too late. It may feel like it is, but I assure you, Christian citizen, it is NOT! We need to visibly show the nation that we are here and we are not going away quietly. You have seen the Jesus fish on cars for many years now. But we are more than Christians. We are Christian Patriots! That’s why we need your help. We want to see 1 MILLION cars on our streets and highways with this emblem.
You know, because that's not blasphemous at all. Conflating our Lord and Savior with the earthly authorities of the US of A. It's not like God has ever demanded top billing or anything.
We are not hiding. We are right in front of you and we will not lay down and allow any more of this foolishness to destroy our country
We're here! We're not queer! We're driven by fear!
I want every Christian Patriot in America to get the Star-Spangled Fish Emblem for their vehicle. Can you imagine driving through town and seeing 5 out of every 10 cars with the emblem on it? I assure you, they will take notice! Just like in any game, when the defense makes a big play, it strikes fear in the heart of their opponent.
I'm a little confused as to why you think that an LGBT person would see your Jesus/America fish and find it frightening. Is he supposed to think "hmm, that person loves America, as do I, and he's also a Christian, like most Americans. . . .Ye Gods! I've got to get out of here!"
Or maybe the LGBT community isn't the "opponent." I don't know. But whoever the opponent is supposed to be, I kinda doubt they're going to be scared by the cheap easy gesture of putting a magnet on your car. If you're trying to scare people, you've got to try a little harder. Maybe incorporate something that people are actually scared of. Like snakes. Or ghosts. Or Floridians.
Or dolls. Dolls are scary.
See? Way scarier than a fish.
Or, you know, if you're really married to the whole fish motif -
There was going to be at least one other person who isn't even trying, but it's getting late. Part II tomorrow, I guess.